While I was reading today’s lesson in the book, I was thinking I didn’t have any secrets I was hiding from the world. I was thinking that today’s lesson didn’t apply to me. That was, until…. I started writing this post…
I had a late start this morning – wanted to get up at 5:30am but that didn’t happen – as I went to bed with a migraine and woke up with one. 🙁 My health/physical symptoms are my biggest blockade preventing me from my time with God. But with a chronic and debilitating illness… I don’t know how to get around this impasse.
There’s a vast difference between what I want to do and what I’m able to do each day. I want to get up early for Bible study, I want to be able to do housework, I want to be able to have this house in order and be a calming, relaxed place for my husband husband to be in the evenings. But, there are way too many days that I can’t make those things happen and that makes me feel sad and inadequate.
I feel like that is Satan’s way off tearing me down… “you’re not good enough” “other wives can do this, why not you” “too sick to get things done again… you are the worst” – these are the things running through my head NOT the words of my husband. My husband is understanding and encouraging. He never complains – he just does the things I was not able to and does so joyfully – never boasting; never making me feel bad. God shows his love to me through the words & actions of this man.
Those negative words… make me feel like I’m not good enough. This is my “secret” – this is what I struggle with each day – every day is a spiritual battle in my own mind. I know how to fight back against those negative words and most days I can, but I do have to admit, there are days that the negativity gets the best of me.
So, today is my day to stand up and claim this problem as my secret sin. Wallowing in my own guilt isn’t going to get me anywhere. Feeling guilty over physical incapabilities is just going to drag me down. Today I say ENOUGH! It is out in the open now – on a blog for anyone to see who wants to – it is no longer hidden. And since it is no longer hidden, the negative words and guilt I feel are exposed – and the evil one loses his power over me through those negative thoughts. I am handing this all over to God – finally.
I am so glad that Christina and I started this study – its only day 4, but it is already making a positive change in my life. Thank you, Father, for leading us on this journey!